Sour Times

First and foremost, Happy New Year to everyone. I’ve been rather shit at updating here of late, partly due to being rather busy at work (I did fuck all for 50 weeks last year and then got overwhelmed in the last two weeks of December), and partly due to me being a lazy, useless bastard.

I have played quite a lot of poker over the Christmas period, and managed to successfully donate a lot of cash to the poker community as a result. The usual combination of run bad and tilt-induced poor play were the reason, although I have made something of a fight back in the last few days. I switched my play back to my old IPoker skin, their rakeback deal is so much better than the William Hill one, although I will keep limited funds on there as I think they are shady, or at best incompetent.

I need to get my ass in gear and complete my part of the North vs. South HU challenge. The match between myself and BurnleyMik finished and honourable draw, featuring an epic suckout from Mik and me fading Mik’s massive draw with top pair when he made the key error of having far too many outs to actually hit any of them.

I had a pretty good Christmas, catching up with a lot of family from both my side and the wife’s. It was nice to get out, and I’m glad that this cold snap has eased, it was getting seriously fucking boring.

West Ham had a good Christmas, picking up 8 points out of 12, and then went up to Newcastle and got smashed 5-0. We beat Barnsley in the FA Cup on Saturday and have Birmingham in the first leg of the Carling Cup semi tomorrow. The Birmingham game still isn’t sold out, which is fucking embarrassing and doubtless lots of cunts that didn’t go will be chuntering about how they deserve a ticket if we make the final, which we probably won’t. After that it is Arsenal at home on Saturday in a rather annoying 5:30 kick-off, which is convenient for anyone but the cunts that are actually attending.

Avram Grant’s position remains in doubt, to be honest I doubt anyone else will come in and do a decent job with the shit we have in our squad and we’re skint, so I’d rather spend the cash it would cost to fire him on something important, like a left-back.

Cuntfair

November was a pretty awesome month for me on the cash game side, finishing up $1,200 plus rakeback. This basically erased all my losses from my incredibly awful October. In December I’m down $300 or so over 3k hands. My horse has delivered some nice scores of late as well, although I need to speak to him regarding what to do if this whole legislation thing blows up.

In other poker news:
1). Betfair are absolute cunts. This may not be poker, but this is absolutely not on. Take the mistake on the chin, pay it out and shut the fuck up.
2) The whole US legislation shit makes me really sad. I’m not really going to comment on the ins and outs, I don’t even know if it is going to happen. It’s just such unbelievable bullshit that in “the land of the free” someone is suggesting you can’t play poker on the internet, all over a few tax dollars and to let the big casino operators have a crack. It may even work out well, but I can imagine that rake rates are going to be horrendous and I think a lot of people may just pack it in now. I have met a lot of good people from all over the world through poker and a lot of them are going to lose their hobby and a source of income if this shit happens.

I was up in Edinburgh last week. It’s an awesome city, I would recommend a trip to anyone. The train took ages because of the snow, but I was surprised I got there at all given that a lot of the country was over a foot deep in the stuff. It was fucking cold though, I’m pretty sure I saw a penguin walking down George St at one point. It does provide a good opportunity to roll out this picture though.

West Ham beat a terrible Wigan side in the league and then, with a weakened side. I met celebrated fish Amatay for a quick beer beforehand, I could tell that he was in awe of my presence (joking, obv). Obviously it was good to put a face to a name, I’m pretty sure the next time we go out he’ll be getting his credit card behind the bar. We then trounced the Man Utd stiffs 4-0 in the Carling Cup (I had a ticket but also had a stinking cold, it was freezing outside so I opted to watch it in front of the telly). I thought we were absolutely excellent, with Jon Spector appearing to have turned into Scott Parker in midfield. We lost 1-0 at Sunderland on Sunday. I thought we defended way better than we have, so the acquisition of Wally Downes appears to be an astute one (James Tomkins has gone from fourth choice centre back to playing really well in the space of a week) although we didn’t create a great deal.

We take on Man City on Saturday. I think we have improved but am now of the opinion that we are going to go down. I just don’t think we have the quality in what is basically a much tougher league this year.

Good luck at the tables.

PS I read an issue of Viz on the train. The letters page was brilliant. My favourite was “I watched the Simply Red last ever performance on TV the other day. I’m not a fan, but I wanted to be sure.”

Backed Up

I have been suffering from some back problems recently (a worsening of a long term thing). Last Thursday I woke up in absolute agony, and barely made it into work. I had a session of physio booked that day, who sent me back to the doctor, who has referred me to a specialist (next Monday). The result of all this was that I couldn’t make it away this weekend, so her indoors went with her friends, and I sat at home and played INTERNET POKERS.

My back is slightly better, I can walk without much pain, although getting out of bed can be excruciating. I hope this doctor can help me out, he fucking wants to as he was formerly a club doctor for Millwall and I don’t want to have to put him in line.

So far this month I’m up approximately $700 playing cash over around 10,000. I played an epic match later on Saturday against Fuentalbilla, who plays the weirdest style I have seen from any winning player. He is a winner at $1/$2, and by the end I thought I had the best of him (I finished up around $200 over 1,000 hands). I played some tournaments on Friday, taking 5th in the Party $30r to approximately break even on the day.

More important than any of this, fuck the Durrrr challenge, the Gary_Neville vs. chemzstry HU4ROLLZ match has pissed all over it. Sick action (mandatory 100% button opens and chemz’s 30% three bet ratio have meant lots of massive pots) and lots of side bets, plus a willingness from both players to play whenever possible has lead to this being one of the best things in online poker for a while. The smack talk has now started and I highly recommend tuning in the next time these two get it on, it has been awesome.

Slightly less epic, but more fun, is the www.raisetheriver.com North vs South HUSNG challenge. Doubtless us southerners will win, shag their women and drink their beer, because we are massively superior.

West Ham were lucky to lose 3-0 at Liverpool at the weekend. We were absolutely pathetic. There are rumours of Avram’s no. 2 departing, him moving upstairs and Wally Downes, Steve Lomas and *spit* Di Canio coming in to coach. Not sure whether this is good or not, but the first thing someone needs to do is sort our fucking left back out, who has been beyond pathetic and is probably the worst player in the division. Wigan at home on Saturday, which I expect us not to win.

Good luck at the tables.

Those who can...

...do. Those who can't, like me, have a horse that can do it for them. I played some tournaments on Monday, ran like absolute shit due to various mouthbreathers doing retarded stuff and getting there, despite playing pretty well. I woke up the next morning thoroughly fucked off, and saw that my horse had shipped a donkament, clearing all of his make-up and delivering us both $1k profit. Nice.

I have played almost 6k hands of HU this month, currently I am up $150 (my AIEV, which is a partly spurious number when it comes to measuring luck, but whatever, is $650), so I don't think I have had the rewards that my play has deserved. I'm going to keep plugging away and probably subscribe to CardRunners for some of MasterLJ and CPar's videos.

In other poker news:
1) A quite big poker tournament finished in Las Vegas. After an epic Cheong spaz out 3 handed, the Canadian bloke won.
2) Joe Sebok, UB, etc.
3) WPT Barcelona winner disqualified.

West Ham threw away a two nil lead at Birmigham to draw 2-2. We scored two excellent goals and conceeded two shit ones. We had a clear penalty turned down late on, but that counts for fuck all and if we weren't so fragile it wouldn't matter. We have West Brom tonight and Blackpool on Saturday. West Brom have a couple of suspensions and this is our opportunity to get our season going and stop the hard luck stories. If we don't take it, we'll be staring relegation in the face. I'm hoping to meet well-known fish and wank-blogger Amatay for a beer prior to the Blackpool game. He will be buying, obv.

I read a book about the whole Bernard Madoff ponzi scheme scandal. It's amazing how so many wealthy people were so niave. If I knew any rich people, I might be tempted to open one up myself.

I hope to play some more tournaments and HU cash over the weekend. GL at the tables bishes.

I Shit 'Em

Having been over $2,200 down at one point, I staged something of a fightback, finishing $1,300 down for the month (excluding rakeback) after around 11k hands. I was reading some comments from a guy on twoplustwo, who was saying that we have a default response of when our play sucks to go “well, I was kind of tilted, and definitely not playing my A game, so that sort of doesn’t count”. And he’s right, and that mentality is of course bollocks – your lifetime results are not from only when you play your A game – they are from when you are playing your best and your worst.

I’ve been slowly getting bits of my life in order – I hate dealing with form filling and general admin, but have made some progress of late. Work remains up in the air – I don’t think I’m going to get fired, but you never know. I think we’re going to sell the flat in the new year and rent a small house down in Kent, with a view to buying somewhere after my employment situation becomes clearer and (hopefully) after house prices drop.

West Ham lost in lame fashion at home to Newcastle last weekend, beat Stoke in the Carling Cup in midweek to earn a quarter-final at home to Manchester United, and then went to Arsenal on Saturday. As I have probably made clear before, I fucking hate Arsenal – they are the lowest of the low. Every time I go there, I wonder if I am being too hard on them, but then I see them, and I realise that they are exactly the cunts that I thought they were.

I turned up at the Echodome to witness some laughable attempts to create at atmosphere. Our lot made a decent job of making some noise, the Arsenal fans largely sat in shiny new red and white scarves in silence. It is more like going to the cinema than a trip to football. I realised that there were 57,000 other people in the ground (every one of them a smug twat) on the 88th minute when West Ham’s resistance was broken by an Alex Song header. They probably just about deserved all three points, although I was very pleased with our performance.
Arsenal’s midfield saw a good performance from Nasri. Fabregas was off colour and spent most of his time convincing Mike Jones that football is a non-contact sport. Since the days of Elbows and Ljungberg, I have found this their most unappealing trait – they spend the entire game in the referee’s ear. Two years ago at our place it was so bad that Wiley might as well just have given Fabregas and Flamini the whistle, because they were effectively running the game.

In summary: not a bad game, we were maybe a little unlucky not to come away with a point. Fuck Arsenal, fuck Arsene Wenger, fuck your new stadium that might bring in the zillions but is no sort of football ground and fuck your lame, limp-wristed bunch of noveau football fans that probably love nipping off for a cappuccino at half-time.

We have played well enough at times but after ten games have just one win. We have Birmingham, West Brom and Blackpool coming up – we need to start winning games here. Six points is the minimum requirement.

Good luck at the tables.

The Great Depression

This month has been utterly devastating. I was down $2.5k at one point, after two horrendous sessions where I don't think I have played great but have run like absolute shit. I clawed back $400 or so on Sunday (clawed back - what the fuck is that about? It isn't even my money to claw back, it is gone) after having someone played spewy aggressive and running really well and finally working out just how mental he was and completely owning him after that. I should be able to play tonight, Friday and Saturday with any luck, which will probably be expensive.



I got an accounted sorted on Ongame last week. I have yet to play a hand on there, the software is legendarily awful and there is no auto top-up, but the deal I am on is good (thank you Chris, much appreciated) and it does add an additional place to play MTTs too.

Regarding my bad run, it might be the kick up the arse I need. I don't really work hard enough at my game, despite some of the excellent resources available. If anyone can recommend a training site beyond Deuces Cracked for HU cash games, I'd be most grateful. I was impressed with some of AEmotherfuckingJones's stuff on Leggo for a while but I'm probably looking for something more basic and aimed at lower limits.


Elsewhere in Poker:
1) You cannot be Cereus! It’s another UB cheating scandal.
2) I'd give the keno a miss there as well.
3) WPT Festa Al Lago is down to a final table featuring Randall Flowers, Andy Frankeberger, Noah Schwartz, Andrew Frankenberger and Michael Benvenuti. Celebrated nit Allen “Chainsaw” Kessler bubbled the six-handed televised final table.


West Ham drew 1-1 at Wolves, having a last minute winner wrongly ruled out by Mark Clattenburg (I can't blame him, it took me four replays to make my mind up and by all accounts he had an excellent game otherwise). It is a shame really, it would have lifted us off the bottom - supposedly we stank the place out in the first half but were excellent in the second. We have Newcastle at home (5:30 kick off, thanks Sky/ESPN) on Saturday. They look to be playing well enough right now but these are the games we need to win.


Following Liverpool's takeover and subsequent derby defeat, the other big story has been Tabloid Wayne's explanation to The Imperial Lord Ferg that he won't be signing a new contract. The Mancs are all up in arms about it, I'm not sure what they expected given that he did exactly the same to his boyhood club and that all is clearly not well at the "Theatre of Dreams" (my fucking arse) right now and given that money clearly now prevents them from buying players at the top of the market, it isn't unfair to suggest that they are now no longer going to be right at the top of club football for the next couple of years. I can't see him going abroad unless they now have chip shops in Madrid and apparently his missus is keen to stay in the North-West, so it looks like their nearest and dearest is the obvious destination.


What his fee ends up being will be interesting. I'm told there is a "gentleman's agreement" between Europe's top clubs to not invoke the Wilson ruling to enable players to buy their contract out, which would enable Rooney to depart for £5m and change at the end of the season.

On this matter I would suggest three things:
1) City weren't part of that elite group of clubs, to my knowledge.
2) I tend to agree with Harry Vaisey's definition of a gentlemen's agreement. “A gentleman’s agreement is an agreement which is not an agreement, made between two persons neither of whom is a gentleman, whereby each expects the other to be strictly bound without himself being bound at all.”
3) I wouldn't class people like David Gill or Florentino Perez as gentlemen.


Anyway, interesting times. Ferg looked fairly upset during all the press stuff yesterday. I wonder whether he might bow out at the end of the season, given the current financial constraints, his age etc.


I booked a weekend to Edinburgh with her indoors in early December. I've always wanted to go, although I dare say it will be fucking cold up there. There seems to be loads of stuff to do there and I hope to quaff a good few pints over the course of the weekend. First class train tickets were £105 each, which is pretty good value in my opinion, and prevents all the hassle of flying. If anyone has been and recommends anything to do or to avoid there (beyond announcing what a top bloke Oliver Cromwell was) then I'd be glad to hear them.


Good luck at the tables.

Tilt Is Expensive

As you can probably guess from the title, I lost a shit load of cash (in excess of $1k) at the HU tables over the weekend. I have no excuses – I got Godmoded but at least half of the losses were my fault. Overall – no excuses, I felt that I was due a bloody nose at some point. It’s the nature of the game that you get them from time to time – it is those that deal with it best that do better at poker IMO.



Fortunately for me (and everyone else), Barry Clark has written an epic post which has come at exactly the right time. I shan’t offer any comment beyond that, his post on its own says everything.

On the plus side, the weekend saw some glorious weather. I was out in the countryside with my wife’s parents – we went for a couple of walks and ate some excellent food, all of which helped to take my mind off the losses. For a part of the weekend they kind of weighed me down – they really shouldn’t as they aren’t a significant financial burden in the context of my overall bankroll size, so I should just man up and move on.

Elsewhere, ChiliPoker continue to mess around with cashouts. I’ve had my fill with these guys already and said my bit in earlier posts here, but if any of you guys have material sums on Chili I’d seriously consider whether you want to keep them there.

In sport, Europe won a thrilling Ryder Cup, everyone at the Commonwealth games has the shits and West Ham drew 1-1 with Fulham, which was probably a fair result, despite the best efforts of Andre Marriner to be the new Mike Dean and confuse the shit out of players, fans and coaching staff by blowing his whistle at random intervals.

England play someone (Montenegro or Moldova, I don’t know which) away on Tuesday. I shall probably watch the game in order to spite the wife and prevent her watching some other pish on TV that I have no interest in.

I watched Mullholland Drive last night, which we got free with the paper last week. This got rave reviews, I thought it was unmitigated David Lynch pish, although I did get to see Naomi Watts’ tits, which was a bonus. I also watched Full Metal Jacket, which was considerably more awesome than Mullholland Drive, but didn’t contain any tits.

Good luck at the tables.