Bobby Hundreds

I managed to play around 25 donkaments this weekend. They largely ended up with the familiar not running or playing well routine (with which most donkamenters are familiar with, apart possibly from Breeth), but squeaked into three cashes which redeemed it from total disaster. I managed to finish 9th in the FTP $18k on Sunday morning – I wasn’t all too happy about my bust out hand but I was the shortest stack at the table and it can probably be justified.

I played pretty well during the tournament (including a sick 3 bet pre flop and then double barrel on the flop and turn), which was very weak in general and confirmed that there is still a lot of value in tournament poker. Dreday from PXF was on my left for a fairly long period, which kind of cramped by style. I 4 bet bluffed him at one point and we eventually got it in BVB with my QQ vs AK for a monster pot, where I held. The worst thing was that I felt like total shit throughout and promptly went and vomited right after I busted.

The HU hasn’t been going so well, but I’ll look to kick that off again soon and probably get some coaching. I tilted off an unholy amount of monies to a terrible French guy in the small hours of Saturday when tilted. Hopefully the rakeback I’m due should compensate somewhat.

This post on Andy Ward’s excellent blog put me straight after I was feeling somewhat down about the game this weekend. It also mentions Isabelle Mercier (no pictures though, to my lasting disappointment).

http://secretsoftheamateurs.blogspot.com/2009/07/unreasonable-expectations.html

Having ditched PXF last month, I signed up for a trial at PokerSavvy. The videos that I have watched there have been a breath of fresh air and piss all over most of PXF’s content.

Aside from poker and nausea this weekend, I saw “Man On Wire” on TV. For those that haven’t heard of it, it’s a documentary/film about a French tightrope walker that during the 1970s thought that putting a big wire between the two World Trade Centre towers and then walking across it would be a really good idea. The whole thing is absolutely awesome and the guy’s utter fearlessness and dedication to pursuing his art (which I guess is what it is) is amazing.

West Ham’s pre-season plods along. We got rolled by Spurs in China (we were lucky to get away with losing by a single goal and, more worryingly, they looked way fitter than we did) and then beat the stiffs of China’s best team a day or so later. We’re still horribly short up front and it looks like Upson will be sold to fund some firepower up front. I’ll be sad to see him go (he’s probably our best and most consistent player), but Danny Gabbidon (who was magnificent for us prior to his injury problems) may provide an adequate replacement. Dyer also put in a decent shift against the Chinese side, although he did flag towards the end. I can’t see us getting near the top half next year, but if we avoid relegation I’ll be well pleased.

It’s the last day of the third Ashes test today. A draw looks favourite but England do have an outside chance of a win if they can grab a couple of early wickets.

A quick hello to Amatay, who has been linked up over here à. He’s a West Ham fan and lives fairly close to where I was brought up, and therefore should be respected. The only reason I may change this opinion is if (i) he eats babies in his spare time or (ii) he is related to Harry Redknapp. Him taking a look here has probably increased my readership by 33%, making this one of the hippest and fastest growing sites on the internet that doesn’t feature naked ladies. Or something.

Bobby Robson popped his clogs the other day. I’ll sign off with some amusing Robby Bobson related stories and leave the mawkish stuff to The Daily Mail.

“Journalist to Shola Ameobi: Do you have a nickname at the club?
Ameobi: Not really, no.
J: So what do the lads call you?
SA: Shola.
J: And what about Sir Bobby? What does he call you?
SA: Carl Cort.”

“Bobby is at a book-signing in Newcastle. Little kid gets Sir Bobby to sign his book after queuing for ages. 'Have you signed a lot of books today, Sir Bobby?' 'Oh, hundreds, son. Absolutely hundreds'

Kid walks off with his signed book, and glances down at the inscription; 'Best Wishes, Bobby Hundreds.'”

“Gathering the England team at the airport before they went abroad for a friendly, Sir Bobby got into a bit of a flap when he realised Peter Reid wasn't in the departure lounge. After a frantic search yielded nothing, he asked one of the coaching staff, 'Where's Reidy got to? We can't leave without him!' 'Er, you didn't pick him, boss...'”

“And the time he got in a lift with Bryan Robson, turned to him and said: "Morning Bobby." "Err no boss, I'm Bryan YOU'RE Bobby."”

LOL Hachem

Last things first – a few people that I know from teh pokerz have been fairly supportive with the situation with my Dad. The kind words and wishes I have had from people have actually been pretty amazing. Anyway, the news was fairly positive – the existing tumour has shrunk and the pain in his lower back is almost certainly a disc problem, for which he is receiving physiotherapy. All of this news is about as good as we could have hoped for.

Thus far this month I have played around 9k hands of 50NL HU. This has generated a profit of around $500 (excluding rakeback), relative to an EV adjusted amount of $1,100. It has been absolutely brutal (although hopefully I should come out around the same amount of profit as in June) and I am overall running 8 BI below expectation. This is fine, as the rewards that HU poker brings are matched with high volatility. My main aim for the month is to finish having played over 10k hands, which I should accomplish with all things remaining equal and hopefully I can top the 11k that I did during June.

I played one guy (Italian, obv) and lost 4 BI to him by being all in three times with dominating hands (A9 < J9 and AK < AQ twice). Then I managed to chop two pots vs the same guy (the second a 4 BI pot) with AQ = AT on an AQx board and 77 = A8 on a 678 board versus a complete maniac. I find that these insane opponents are often very good value (partly because they three bet with a lot of hands where you get better value from flatting), particularly after reading DogIsHead’s advice that they should be “cock-slapped repeatedly” into submission, as it is indeed more fun than nitting it up and extracting their money a different way.

With this rather lame whine over, I am fairly happy with how I am playing (I spew a lot less) and one reg typed in chat “there isn’t much value in this for either of us so it is probably best if I quit you” – I have been beaten quite badly by some of the regs before and I actually quite rated this guy’s game, so I’ll take this as a compliment. I’d like to have $4k on Chilli by the end of September and be in a position to move up to $100NL (I’ll probably also seek some coaching at this time).

West Ham’s pre-season has seen us fail to generate any notable results. The jungle drums seem to suggest that Ashton will be off to Stoke – this is a shame, as for a short while he looked the real deal with us, but we can’t afford to carry someone that is permanently injured, particularly on his wage packet and with his reputed issues regarding training. I’m just hoping the 17 year-old we signed from Chelsea for a few buttons isn’t his replacement, as starting with one semi-proven centre forward and a couple of spotty kids is a recipe for disaster and has certain similarities with our previous relegation season.

I’m off to see the Bruno film tonight. The juvenile humour should provide a good end to a dull week at work.

Saving the best until last – Joe Hachem isn’t usually one to keep quiet when there is an opportunity to open it and look stupid, so here he is, true to form – from the Associated Press. As one guy on 2+2 said, “Joe has got disrespect down to an art form, so I trust his opinion here.”

“BC-World Series of Poker-Day 10,0234 - Stacks rise as players drop at poker world series
Eds: APNewsNow. By OSKAR GARCIA, Associated Press Writer, LAS VEGAS (AP)

The 2005 World Series of Poker champion sayshe's lost all respect for a new brand of extremely aggressive pokerplayers who seem to want to gamble all their chips on every hand in the main event.

Joe Hachem said after two hours of poker on Monday that the pacehasn't slowed down at the no-limit Texas Hold 'em tournamentbecause many players are willing to risk their tournament with mediocre hands. Play started with 185 players and 38 were eliminated in two hours, despite starting with many chips relative to minimum bets.

Hachem says the overaggressive style is disrespectful to thetournament, its history and the $8.55 million prize. Hachem is one of two former main event champions left in thetournament, along with last year's winner Peter Eastgate.”

Please Seek Medical Advice Before Final Tabling

It is Monday morning and I’m really not all too keen on working, so I’ve decided on a blog update instead. I squeezed in some donkamenting on Friday night – I played really well to final table the $100NL on Party, after coming back from 3bb when my AK was no match for AQ and held the chip lead for quite a while. I busted fifth when the chip leader at the final table (with a massive 20bb) shoved 55 from the button, I made the mistake of snap calling with AA. He flopped one 5 and rivered the other, which was a fairly frustrating end given that I felt that I had played pretty well and that I have been due for a while.

The tourney was a reminder of how awful people are on Party. One guy (a long time winning player with an average buy in of well over $100) opened for 2.5bb and then folded to an 8bb shove. I don’t claim to be the greatest poker player in the world but I really thought we had moved on since 2005. Still, I guess it can only be a good thing that people are playing this badly and still winning.

The rest of the night was a bit of a wash out and the usual mixture of bad plays by me, suck-outs by my opponents (including losing to JJ with 22 on a 269 board and KK vs AJs on a K92r board), marginal spots and coolers. Which is a pretty standard night of donkamenting for me or anyone else, I guess.

In the subject of being due, one guy on PXF has won in the space of a week a 30r, 50r, 3r, WPT package and a couple of other things and claimed that he was “due” to win something else at some point soon, which made me piss myself laughing as he is clearly on an enormous heater and may well be “due” for some time.

I’ll leave out any discussion on the Main Event final table, but I’m delighted to see Joe Cade, Ivey and Akenhead there. My favourite poker related story of the week comes from the WPT final table at the Bellagio, where Justin “BoostedJ” Smith leapt up to celebrate winning an all in four-handed and suffered suspected anterior cruciate ligament damage and had to be helped back to the table and will spend the remainder with an ice pack on his knee. Poker, its more dangerous than I thought.

My Dad goes to hospital today for a final assessment on whether his cancer has spread or whether his lower back pain is a slipped disc. I’m anticipating his phone call but in some ways don’t want to receive it at all.

Good luck to England on the final day of the 2nd Ashes Test at Lords today. It promises to be a nail biter. New just in – Flintoff bowls Haddin, Convicts 314 for 6 chasing 522.

Life's Rich Pattern

Saturday’s donkamenting was something of a damp squib. I failed to get anything going in most tournaments, cashed in the $109 on stars and then shoved AQ into AA. I came 3rd in a silly 10r on FTP which I didn’t really mean to enter, for $400 or so – better than a kick in the nuts but I hate myself for not winning it (I basically lost two huge flips 3 handed) as the final table was really weak and I had the run of it for most of the time.

Also spewed really badly in the 50 1r (head says “fold, you are beat here”, fingers say “call, you know you want to”) which was a shame, as both Bakes and CompleteDonk were at my table, and I always enjoy playing against some of the 2+2ers that I see on the forums that are clearly so much better than I am.

Boring bad beat of the weekend came on Party when I had top set on a 3s4s5s board. I bet, get min raised and jam and get snap called by two red tens. Turn is the Ts and that was that. It was a fucking horrendous play from my opponent, who is a winning player, but kind of summed the day up as this tournament was one of the few I made inroads into.

HU cash trundles along – this month has been a struggle, which is fine, as I was running a long way above expectation. I’m strongly considering coaching as I’d really like to be playing 200NL within the next 6/9 months.

I’m enjoying the main event coverage that is going on right now. There are still some big names left in, including a couple of the 2+2 guys and Brit James Akenhead. I’m kind of rooting for Ivey, I would be good to see the guy that is largely considered to be the best all-around poker player at the moment win the major prize. Someone at his table said that he sat down with 300k yesterday and the rest of the table proceeded to throw chips at him for the next few hours until his stack was way over a million.

West Ham are a pre-season hotbed of transfer activity, having been turned down by a goalkeeper from two divisions below ours (to be fair he does get first team football at Southampton). Thus far our only signing is the loan of a Chilean midfielder from Inter. Our squad looks awfully thin and we’ll need either some luck or some money to survive. I’ll start bringing my boots to home games in future.

I went to see the film about John Dillinger last night (I forget the title, it has Johnny Depp in it). It was fairly enjoyable, despite deviating considerably from what actually happened. I’d definitely recommend it, although I got fuck all sleep last night after having bizarrely vivid dreams that involved me shooting several people. Don’t mess bitches, I’m well hard when I’m dreaming.

Lucy thinks she might have swine flu. Three people in her office have been diagnosed with it, which doesn’t bode well, as she’s going to have to find somewhere else to live to prevent me getting infected. J

We had some news on my Dad’s cancer. It is currently in his upper neck, but he has been suffering with a bad back. He went to the Doctor following an MRI scan, who diagnosed it as secondary tumours. This is obviously pretty crushing news, it hit me a lot harder than I thought. A second diagnosis said that it was not secondary tumours but in fact a slipped disc (I can’t imagine that anyone has ever been quite as happy to find out that their father has a quite painful back problem). A third and final diagnosis takes place next week, so my fingers are firmly crossed (which doesn’t make typing very easy).

Whilst on this subject (cancer, not bollocks), former West Ham striker John Hartson has been diagnosed with brain cancer. He is still in his thirties, which is no age to be suffering from something like that – whilst he was no stranger to controversy, his spell with us will be fondly remembered by most that saw him play for us. Hang in there John, if you battle the illness as hard as you battled for us the season you joined and helped keep us up, the result is a foregone conclusion.

Good luck also to Wayne, a sometime reader of this blog. He has had some tough times of late with the economy being in the shit and looks like he has devised a decent plan to get things together. If only the silly cunt would stop banging on about Liverpool and what a good job Rafa is doing, the world would be a better place.

No squeaks, motherfucker!

From the Popbitch archives and to coincide with the death of the celebrity freak who made some decent music once...

Lord Delawdy writes:
"A friend of mine was in Los Angeles 79 thru 87.
Michael Jackson had had a huge hit with Off The
Wall, and was recording the follow up.

"The sessions were arranged for a very late start,
and, after a night on the town, my mate popped
around to the studio to see the producer.

"He got into the control room to find that
everyone's attention was fixed on the glass
window. On the other side, Quincy Jones was kicking
a pile of rags on the floor while shouting
"Silent, you motherf*cker! I said NO SQUEAKS!"

"It turned out the pile of rags was a gibbering
Michael Jackson. They were recording a new song
called Billie Jean, and Michael had decided
to fill every gap with his trademark whoops,
clicks and squeaks. Quincy, however, had decided
that the track would be a pared down.

"After several hours of trying to get the
singer to do what he wanted, and having consumed
large quantities of ragedust, Jones had finally
snapped and attacked the poor freak. Needless
to say, after the outburst, MJ sang the song
how he was told to, and the rest is history."”

Upswongs

After a rather lame attempt at donkamenting on Friday where I had a couple of small cashes, I have put an end to a big downswong playing HU cash in style by running disgustingly well (see above).

Some sample hands from a big winning session vs a hyper-LAG. He really couldn't put a hand down so it was a fun game. We had already got it in for two flips as he was 3 betting a retardedly high percentange of his hands when this came up:

***** Hand History for Game 1684094037 *****$50.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Saturday, June 20, 11:23:00 ET 2009Table Archibald (No DP Heads Up) (Real Money)
Seat 8 is the button
Seat 3: Funology ( $132.73 USD )
Seat 8: Hoopberg ( $116.22 USD )
Hoopberg posts small blind [$0.25 USD].
Funology posts big blind [$0.50 USD].
** Dealing down cards**
Dealt to Hoopberg [ Ac 9s ]
Hoopberg raises [$1.25 USD]
Funology raises [$4.50 USD]
Hoopberg raises [$11.50 USD]Funology calls [$8.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ 6s, 2s, 9c ]
Funology checks
Hoopberg bets [$19.00 USD]
Funology raises [$38.00 USD]
Hoopberg raises [$84.22 USD
Funology calls [$65.22 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ 8h ]
**Dealing River ** [ 2c ]
Hoopberg wins $231.44 USD from main pot
Funology shows [9d, Td ]

Clearly I'm not thrilled about playing such a huge pot with such a mediocre hand but the board is draw heavy and he could have a lot of hands. Much like my PC, he was lagging rather badly.


Given the above, this hand is somewhat standard.

***** Hand History for Game 1684096316 *****$50.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Saturday, June 20, 11:25:00 ET 2009Table Archibald (No DP Heads Up) (Real Money)
Seat 8 is the buttonSeat
3: Funology ( $55.65 USD )
Seat 8: Hoopberg ( $225.44 USD )
Hoopberg posts small blind [$0.25 USD].
Funology posts big blind [$0.50 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Hoopberg [ Qs 9h ]raises [$0.75 USD]
Funology raises [$3.50 USD]
Hoopberg calls [$3.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ Qc, Ad, Ah ]
Funology bets [$4.00 USD]
Hoopberg calls [$4.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ 3c ]
Funology bets [$9.00 USD]
Hoopberg raises [$18.00 USD]
Funology raises [$38.65 USD]
Hoopberg calls [$29.65 USD]
** Dealing River ** [ 7d ]
Hoopberg wins $110.30 USD from main pot
Funology shows [4h, 6d ]

I'm really enjoying the HU cash. Its very good for realising the value of position and for hand reading and assisting with thin value betting etc. As someone said elsewhere, the DogIsHead series is a revalation and I recommend it to anyone, HU player or otherwise.

The British Lions lost the first of the three tests vs the Saffers on Saturday. After getting destroyed by the South African pack for the first 50 mins the last 20 were incredibly exciting and we nearly snatched a win with some thrilling rugby in the last 20 minutes. I can only see a 3-0 series defeat now but the Lions games are a superb sporting spectacle and I am looking forward to the next test.

OMG HU HU

Its been a while, mainly as I have been on holiday. Anyways, I'll bang down a quick update, but I'm not feeling overly inspired.

1) Holiday. A week in Cyprus, a friend was getting married out there. It was great, I caught up with a lot of old friends, spent some time with Lucy and sank a good few beers. Even the EasyJet flight was borderline tolerable.

2) Pokers. I haven't really played many donkaments, but have dabbled with HU cash. This has really gone fairly well, I have ran well and people are prepared to stack off in absurd circumstances. I need to control my tilt, but I'm happy with the start and the rakeback deal makes a good contribution. The Deuces Cracked Dogisheadsup series really is superb and makes me realise just how far PXF has fallen. I need to cancel my subscription to PXF soon - even if it is cheap, the forum tilts me and a lot of the better guest pros are no longer around.

Back at work tomorrow, the 20/20 cricket World Cup is on and the U21 European Championships as well, to take the edge off things. I promised a better (well, less bad) post next time as this one is fairly lame.